nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Randomize
