don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I want to be your penis for a week.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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