I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
