Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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