who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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