he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
