Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
