I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
