well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
