Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
