Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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