wat bout pragnant strippers??
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
