feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
