I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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