things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
