You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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