Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
