A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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