Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
