it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
