how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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