Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
