I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
