this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
