Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
