that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
