Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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