In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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