so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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