It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
