Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
