dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
