Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
How does one acquire holy water?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
