yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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