maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
