my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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