please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
