Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
