Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
