i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
