You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Randomize
