He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
