Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
