i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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