I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
