I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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