Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
