quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
