i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
