long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
