things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
