It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
