Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
